I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
