I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
