There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
