my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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