Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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