your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
