I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
