she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
