Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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