her facebook's as public as her vagina
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
this hospital has no fireball
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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