My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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