I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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