There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
