I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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