I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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