Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
