there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
What a dumb baby whore.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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