ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i came on her dog
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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