Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
you are never too drunk for berry picking
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
