you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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