At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
