sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
