I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize