the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
