he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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