The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize