any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Randomize
