being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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