Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So much rum. So many feels.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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