Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
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