The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
