One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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