I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
