I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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