I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
