He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
