Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
