Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
