why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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