Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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