yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize