Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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