I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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