Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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