you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
it glows. i had to have it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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