I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Holy shit dude........stairs
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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