he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
