So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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