My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Let's paint friendship bongs
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
