There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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