yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize