god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
