He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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