please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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