I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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