apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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