I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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