And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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