broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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