i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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