I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
