So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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