It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
