Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
